Tuesday, June 7, 2011

How Many Times Can You Break Something Before It Can't Be Fixed Anymore?

A/N: Just a short piece I wrote the other night. Any feedback is appreciated.

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It's a thick smell, almost dizzying, and it teaches me how to be silent. And I wish I knew the word, the name of the flower or tree or bush that carries the scent, but I haven't a clue. All I know is it's sweet and it's thick and it reminds me of the times we could have kissed, should have kissed, never kissed.

And it's only in that place, that bend down by the river. I smell it when the windows in my car are down and when I'm listening and looking and seeking the memories.

You remind me of myself. The things I am when people don't watch. Violently opinionated, passionate, yet afraid. Strong, and somehow weak. You taught me how to cry myself to sleep, how to nurse a broken heart, how to walk away.

That smell, it makes me believe. In romance. In first kisses and hand holding and the way one look tells me what you're thinking. We were primitive in those days, just charcoal splashed with pastels. Paint and paper mache. But everything was simple. Everything made sense.

I stayed awake one night to watch the moon rise and set. Everyone talks about the sun, but moons can be golden too.

--Kelsey Allan

6 comments:

  1. Great opening line -- it's a short wind-up with a heavy punch...seems like something that would come out of White Oleander. I think that this is a great start -- I see room for expansion, or possibly, with a few colorful touches, a foray into prose poetry.

    Just a suggestion with this line: "All I know is it's sweet and it's thick and it reminds me of the times we could have kissed, should have kissed, never kissed." Cut the "we could have kissed, should have kissed"...I think that it carries the same weight, seeing as the could have and should have are encompassed by the never...lingers a little better.

    Keep up the good work.

    Kylan

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  2. Thank you for the feedback! I like that idea!

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  3. I also really like the beginning, the imagery is good. I like what's going on here with all the emotion and memories, but it feels a little cliche at times. Perhaps to help get away from that you could add a bit more action (more show, less tell)and not use quite so many fragments.
    Also, it should also probably be "the moon can be golden too" instead of "moons."
    Good job overall!

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  4. I enjoyed this piece as well. There are some great images that quickly tied me into it. On the criticism side, I felt like a few sections were not transitioned into, or I wasn't quite ready for them, particularly paragraphs 3 and 5. After parapgraph 2, I was expecting some of those experiences, those thick, smelly memories that I could rub between my fingers like the pastels you mention later. And for the final thought (about the moon), I feel it shares the same emotional resonance with the entire piece but I didn't follow how it connects to the other thoughts.

    Overall, I liked this piece and felt like it was on its way to be expanded, to grow into some of those pieces that I felt were (now) disconnected.

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  5. Hmmm okay thank you guys! I think I'll take most of your suggestions and tweak it a bit!

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  6. I think this is a great starting point with a lot of potential for expansion. But I agree with Auri that it sometimes felt cliche, especially in paragraphs 3 and 4. Show don't tell would help, but I'm also wondering what your intention was with this piece--is this supposed to be a self-contained complete story? Is it going to be the beginning of a longer short story? Because more specific details are almost always preferable to grand statements like "You taught me how to cry myself to sleep, how to nurse a broken heart, how to walk away." but what you can do with that would depend on what kind of writing you want to do...

    Also, I was a tad confused when you write, "That smell, it makes me believe. In romance. In first kisses and hand holding and the way one look tells me what you're thinking." because earlier, I thought that the narrator never kissed this person since the smell only reminds him/her of the missed opportunities to kiss.

    All in all, there are a lot of details missing that could really bolster this piece. Keep refining this, it could be really cool! And Kylan's right, the opening line is strong.

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